Tomorrow should have been...

Halloween 2024 should have been my 9th anniversary, my 5th wedding anniversary.

Its crazy because I’ve been dreading this day, all year long.

But its just a day isn’t it? I am the only one who is going to wake up tomorrow and feel that it was supposed to be something different.

It’s a meaningless day. Just one of 365 ( well, 366 this year).

I’m the only one who feels like they were robbed of something.

It’s maddening and stupid. It’s just life.

While I cannot argue the betterment of my life from the shock of my separation/divorce.

I still want to be that pouty, whiny child. I want to cross my arms and scream no and make it all go away.

But that’s just not how it works. That’s not what the universe had in store for me.

The number of times I have cried and prayed that if I could just have one miracle, let it be the healing and revival of my marriage. It’s embarrassing.

Now, I just sit here detached. Because clearly, what marriage? Did I really even have a wife? was any of it real? hard for me to think so.

I watched an astro presentation Friday by the Leo King and at the end he said one of the most painful things was watching someone you love run away from healing, run away from a higher calling, and run into vices and negative coping mechanisms and how there isn’t a single thing you can do. Because every soul chooses for their self what their journey is going to be.

And that’s exactly right. It truly is the most painful thing in the world.

I think about the astrological shit show we are about to go through as a collective next year and I think, Jesus I wish I had my end of the world buddy. but she didn’t choose me. she rejected me and ran away from me.

It’s just all so fucked up. And time hasn’t changed that. Yes I can numb it out more now than before. But nothing can change how fucked up everything was.

I don’t have a positive way to end this. Because I still don’t see the dissolution of my marriage as a positive thing. Sure I can accept that clearly it was essential for the plot, but for what reason? That is still extremely unclear to me.

I could list all the good things I’ve done for myself. But this isn’t about that. I’ve always been able to take care of myself. This is about the loss that I still hold 10 months later.

It’s just a day, and it will pass like all the others. But it was supposed to be our day, and that makes me fucking angry.