I’m not sorry

Recent thoughts on the projection field and my sense of self

Recently I’ve been thinking a lot about the different things I love. Things about myself, things that make me happy, things that are just facts to me.

It struck me how so many of them are things that I’ve tried to edit out of myself.

Living my whole life in the projection field, constantly waging war against everyone’s projections and wanting to be accepted, liked, loved - I had a steady stream of criticisms to work on.

There are little things and big things. I’ve talked about how I stopped writing, even though I loved it to my core, when my dad told being a writer wasn’t a real job and would not support my family in the future.

My first serious boyfriend in high school called me a hopeless romantic, and I took it as a deep cut. Something I was ashamed of for a long time.

And in light of my pending divorce, working through codependency, I’ve been focusing on things I can do for me because I want to do them, or because I like them. And letting that be enough.

I started to really reflect on that last week and it struck me how I’ve been basically apologizing for being who I am for a long time. Trying to fix things about myself that never needed to be fixed. And I’m done with that.

I’m done apologizing for loving the things I love, having the goals I have, being who I am.

In this world of the projection field, I will never be able to please everyone. So I might as well please myself.

I’m not sorry anymore.

I’m not sorry for being a romantic at heart.

I’m not sorry for loving books with happy endings.

I’m not sorry for making choices for myself and standing by them.

I’m not sorry for enjoying learning.

I’m not sorry for loving to read and write.

I’m not sorry for preferring dark denim over light denim.

I’m not sorry for choosing to be gluten free.

I’m not sorry for choosing not to drink.

I’m not sorry for getting back on anti-depressants.

I’m not sorry for going back to retail.

I’m not sorry for holding my tongue when I feel I might say things I will regret.

I’m not sorry for not getting a tattoo yet.

I’m not sorry for loving piercings.

I’m not sorry that I don’t want to date men.

I’m not sorry for not wanting to date right now.

I’m not sorry for expressing myself publicly.

I’m not sorry for being a mess sometimes.

I’m not sorry for caring so much.

I’m not sorry for putting myself first.

I’m not sorry for putting others first sometimes too.

I’m not sorry for loving with all of me.

I’m not sorry for being opinionated.

I’m not sorry for wanting to have my own farm one day.

I’m not sorry for fighting for what I want.

I’m not sorry for all the selfies I’m taking now.

I’m not sorry for feeling good about myself.

I’m not sorry for wanting the best.

I’m just not sorry anymore.

I have no room in my life for pointless sorry’s that just keep me from being the most authentic version of myself. Sorry is reserved for true wrong doing. Not for taking up the space that was already mine to begin with.

The projection field will never stop. I cannot do anything about it. All I can do is lean into myself and take what resonates and leave all the rest. Just because someone has an opinion about something about me or something I do, doesn’t mean I need to rearrange my life because of it. The correct things will hit, and the rest can fall away. I can trust myself to know the difference.