Per the usual, I have a really bad day followed by a more positive day.
Yesterday I was nothing short of a mess. Today I am feeling more calm, more relaxed.
Really I’m trying to figure out how to find balance between the intense emotions and life still moving forward.
How can I both honor how I feel and also not try to punish myself or make myself feel worse.
That’s what I’m dealing with now. Yesterday, despite the bad day emotionally, I did apply to a job. Only one, admittedly, but I did it. I also played some Stardew Valley, a game I love and find very comforting.
It’s hard because there’s so much in me that wants to self punish, make myself feel guilty. For anything and everything.
Guilty for how I feel, guilty for what I want, guilty for inaction, guilty for action, guilty for having fun or feeling okay, guilty for feeling bad or emotional, guilty for eating, guilty for not eating, guilty for reaching out to people, guilty for not reaching out. It goes on and on.
It’s definitely something I need to work on. Because I honestly don’t even know where its all coming from or where its going to. It feels like one big tangled web. I don’t think I even realized how much guilt I was feeling until I just wrote that out.
A quick google search informs me that irrational guilt is usually based off trying to take control for things that are not ours to control or trying to live our lives based off rules that are not our own. And excessive guilt is very often found hand in hand with anxiety. Cool cool cool.
What a time I’m currently going through. So many things revealing themselves so rapidly. It’s really overwhelming honestly. It’s good, because it gives me clarity around things to work through and overcome. But its overwhelming when I still don’t have a therapist, and I’m trying to get a job so I can pay for therapy. But also getting a job is super overwhelming and therapy might help me get clarity around that and make some real progress around that. It’s a real chicken or the egg situation.
I know it’s going to be okay. I know these things will work themselves out in due time as is correct, but its just a lot right now. And that’s okay.
Gratitude list
my trip to see my best friend
being able to go to the gym still despite my sickness
people being willing to hold space for me
prayer
astrology